I've never really classified myself as someone who is insecure. I'm usually pretty sure of what I like, want, and need. However, the one area of my life that I struggle with this is in relationships. Probably one of the most complex pieces of being human is relationships and it is the the one thing I struggle with giving to God.
God pleads with us to give everything to him and to just be content in having him be your everything. He promises love, understanding, comfort, joy, and guidance in your life if you will just submit to him. However, I've gone in and out of loosing control by taking control over the past few months. Why is this so hard for me? Is it just because I want it so bad that I can't fathom just letting it go? I cannot think of a single relationship that I haven't ruined due to this issue in my life, and I'm horribly close to ruining another one. My struggle with God over control of my relationships presents itself as insecurity and that is something no woman wants to marry. An insecure man is not what I am. Tears are welling up as I admit to myself that, in actuallity, I may just be that despite me not believing it. The absolutely amazing thing is, right now, this wonderful woman is understanding that this is what I'm working on and is forgiving me when I fail. I know though, that this forgiveness will not last forever. There is no way I can expect to make it in a marriage if I cannot trust my relationship to God.
The frustrating thing is I just do not know how to trust him with it. It's not as easy as handing him my phone and saying "ok, you're in control." I'm scared that this is something I'll never figure out and thus will be destined to be forever single and continuing to get into relationships thinking I've got it down, but finding out that I don't once the relationship has reached a level of committment that causes much pain and suffering when it fails.
God, I need you now to help save me. I know hoarding control of my relationship will make it surely end in failure, and I completely fear the relationship failing so I'm scared to let it go. It doesn't make sense. This fear is Satan making me fear the joy and comfort I know I can find in your arms. Although I know this, I still cannot figure out how to just give you control of the relationship I've been building. Without giving it up though, it will fail. (I know I'm rambling, but it shows the struggle I'm in) Keeping control will cause it to fail, that's the bottom line. I need to figure this out or my fear will come true. Lord save me from my fear. I need you more than ever.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wings of Burden, Flight of Love
"You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering,that's the sad truth.
Maybe they'll break your heart, maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way.
Those are the risks. That's the burden.
Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly..."
-Dr. Temperance Brenan on Bones
I was watching an episode of Bones today and the above statement was made in a monologue. It was so profound and meaningful to me that I actually had to come and write about it. Love is a burden. I'm sure there are people who would disagree with me, but most of them have probably never been in love. All relationships take work and have turmoil, but those that involve true love are destined to have a few curve balls thrown at them.
I can't imagine anything more exhilarating that being able to fly. Gliding easily through the air and seeing the beautiful land God has created me. Unhindered by traffic, roads, speed limits, and fuel, flight would allow a truly free feeling that would never be able to be topped. The above quote likens love to wings. I would never trade my wings just so I could feel lighter and move around on the ground easier. The benefit of having them would far outweigh any hardship they might lay on me. They are priceless.
Love, to me, is also priceless. No matter the struggle, the hardship, the difficulty it may one day present, there is no way this man would trade love for a lighter load. For although the load may be lighter, the greatest earthly joy will have been lost.
Never loose your joy for a lighter load.
Maybe they'll break your heart, maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way.
Those are the risks. That's the burden.
Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly..."
-Dr. Temperance Brenan on Bones
I was watching an episode of Bones today and the above statement was made in a monologue. It was so profound and meaningful to me that I actually had to come and write about it. Love is a burden. I'm sure there are people who would disagree with me, but most of them have probably never been in love. All relationships take work and have turmoil, but those that involve true love are destined to have a few curve balls thrown at them.
I can't imagine anything more exhilarating that being able to fly. Gliding easily through the air and seeing the beautiful land God has created me. Unhindered by traffic, roads, speed limits, and fuel, flight would allow a truly free feeling that would never be able to be topped. The above quote likens love to wings. I would never trade my wings just so I could feel lighter and move around on the ground easier. The benefit of having them would far outweigh any hardship they might lay on me. They are priceless.
Love, to me, is also priceless. No matter the struggle, the hardship, the difficulty it may one day present, there is no way this man would trade love for a lighter load. For although the load may be lighter, the greatest earthly joy will have been lost.
Never loose your joy for a lighter load.
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