Fearful

People don't normally admit fear. Admitting fear is exposing ourselves to fear. However, I have never considered myself to be completely normal. Most of the evening, I have been nearly consumed by fear. When my mind is left to wander where it wants, it has a tendency to engulf itself in that which I fear. I fear change, I fear rejection, I fear feeling alone, and I fear the wrath of God.

Change is a concept people either embrace or resist. There aren't many people who have a middle ground on this topic. Typically, those who embrace it are the very people who have had to endure it the most. They've had to suffer through the hardship and trials that come with the inconsistency of a consistently changing life. I am not one of those people. I grew up with very little change, and my security is founded in consistency. However, change has begun to come more frequently for me. I'm still adapting to the process, but I do not think I will ever truly enjoy it. Hopefully, I will one day have the faith in God I need to embrace change. To see change not as an immovable obstacle, but as a challenge begging to be conquered.

Rejection is most commonly known as a refusal to accept. Acceptance is sought after by everyone, whether they admit it or not. There is one person on this earth that I can honestly say doesn't need acceptance. She fights the worldly norms and has been blazing her own path through life with little remorse for as long as I've known her. I love this girl as much as anyone else on this earth for this and many other reasons. She shows me that maturity has nothing to do with age (since she is years younger that me). I know she doesn't like rejection, but she has learned to place her hope away from the acceptance of man and focus solely on God for all her strength. I hope, that I can achieve the state of mind that she portrays as a natural thing. I do worse with rejection than I do with change. Rejection has the ability to consume me. Even the perception of rejection can alter my mood drastically.

Feeling alone comes as a result of both true rejection, and perceived rejection. Growing up in West Texas, it was easy to tell whether you were accepted or rejected by people. There was a great emphasis on learning about each person as an individual, and connecting with them on a personal level. I've began to think the majority of people here in San Antonio do not spend the time to connect with others in the same way I'm used to. The majority of people reading this might be surprised and even offended by that statement. I do not mean it as an insult, and I apologize for anyone who took offense, but as I've stated, rejection and solitude are fears of mine and fear drives people to do and believe strange things unless heavily reassured in a way that is contrary to their fear. I have experienced acceptance and connected with a few people here, but I still feel a small part is missing. To my friends here in San Antonio, hear me when I say I'm not blaming anyone, but rather continually searching for that reassurance. Bear with me.

Finally, fearing God is a little bit of a disconnect from the other fears I've stated above. Fear of God can be 2 fold. Fearing God's wrath is the fright that comes with knowing I'm in sin. The only word I can think of to describe it is shame. I've grown up around Christian ideals, and I know God doesn't expect us to be perfect. But, I feel shameful that I still struggle with worldly fears, and as a result, fear taking them to God. A comparable worldly fear is one I've been needlessly struggling with for the past few hours. I know the time is coming when I must face a person I feel I've hurt, and the resulting shame has made me fearful of seeing this person. So fearful that I see myself refusing the invitation should it be extended anytime soon. It might be wrong to try to simplify God to my worldly comparison, but I see the two situations as being nearly identical. Their resulting impacts are drastically different (one eternal, one temporary), but the fear itself is the same.

I don't know where I intended this to go. I guess, like so many of my other blogs, I used this medium to organize and express my thoughts. If you have made it to this portion of this post, I thank you for continuing to indulge me.