Fearful

People don't normally admit fear. Admitting fear is exposing ourselves to fear. However, I have never considered myself to be completely normal. Most of the evening, I have been nearly consumed by fear. When my mind is left to wander where it wants, it has a tendency to engulf itself in that which I fear. I fear change, I fear rejection, I fear feeling alone, and I fear the wrath of God.

Change is a concept people either embrace or resist. There aren't many people who have a middle ground on this topic. Typically, those who embrace it are the very people who have had to endure it the most. They've had to suffer through the hardship and trials that come with the inconsistency of a consistently changing life. I am not one of those people. I grew up with very little change, and my security is founded in consistency. However, change has begun to come more frequently for me. I'm still adapting to the process, but I do not think I will ever truly enjoy it. Hopefully, I will one day have the faith in God I need to embrace change. To see change not as an immovable obstacle, but as a challenge begging to be conquered.

Rejection is most commonly known as a refusal to accept. Acceptance is sought after by everyone, whether they admit it or not. There is one person on this earth that I can honestly say doesn't need acceptance. She fights the worldly norms and has been blazing her own path through life with little remorse for as long as I've known her. I love this girl as much as anyone else on this earth for this and many other reasons. She shows me that maturity has nothing to do with age (since she is years younger that me). I know she doesn't like rejection, but she has learned to place her hope away from the acceptance of man and focus solely on God for all her strength. I hope, that I can achieve the state of mind that she portrays as a natural thing. I do worse with rejection than I do with change. Rejection has the ability to consume me. Even the perception of rejection can alter my mood drastically.

Feeling alone comes as a result of both true rejection, and perceived rejection. Growing up in West Texas, it was easy to tell whether you were accepted or rejected by people. There was a great emphasis on learning about each person as an individual, and connecting with them on a personal level. I've began to think the majority of people here in San Antonio do not spend the time to connect with others in the same way I'm used to. The majority of people reading this might be surprised and even offended by that statement. I do not mean it as an insult, and I apologize for anyone who took offense, but as I've stated, rejection and solitude are fears of mine and fear drives people to do and believe strange things unless heavily reassured in a way that is contrary to their fear. I have experienced acceptance and connected with a few people here, but I still feel a small part is missing. To my friends here in San Antonio, hear me when I say I'm not blaming anyone, but rather continually searching for that reassurance. Bear with me.

Finally, fearing God is a little bit of a disconnect from the other fears I've stated above. Fear of God can be 2 fold. Fearing God's wrath is the fright that comes with knowing I'm in sin. The only word I can think of to describe it is shame. I've grown up around Christian ideals, and I know God doesn't expect us to be perfect. But, I feel shameful that I still struggle with worldly fears, and as a result, fear taking them to God. A comparable worldly fear is one I've been needlessly struggling with for the past few hours. I know the time is coming when I must face a person I feel I've hurt, and the resulting shame has made me fearful of seeing this person. So fearful that I see myself refusing the invitation should it be extended anytime soon. It might be wrong to try to simplify God to my worldly comparison, but I see the two situations as being nearly identical. Their resulting impacts are drastically different (one eternal, one temporary), but the fear itself is the same.

I don't know where I intended this to go. I guess, like so many of my other blogs, I used this medium to organize and express my thoughts. If you have made it to this portion of this post, I thank you for continuing to indulge me.

Broken

I try really hard to make my writing interesting and informative, but I don't think I can do that this time. I've recently found out that my actions and attitude over the past year have so seriously strained one of my friendships, that we can't even talk to each other anymore. There is no greater hurt than knowing that I nearly ruined the most valuable thing in my life...a friendship. My friends mean the most to me, and this particular one was the best and deepest friendship I'd ever had. Love and trust was built in record time. Even dependence became part of this friendship making it unlike any I'd ever had. It touched a place in my heart none ever had before. Luckily, it's not completely ruined. But, a wound like this will take a long time to heal. I have to live in the unknown for a significant amount of time and that scares me. The only thing I can do is give it to God and hope that time and faith can heal a wound this serious. I can't adequately express the remorse I have for what I've put this person through, and I can only hope and beg that I'll be forgiven.

"God, give me the strength to wait on your will in this matter and please help those involved to forgive me for what I put them through. Help me to learn from this to prevent these circumstances from ever repeating. I want my life to be continuously in your will and guidance. Lord forgive me for not trusting you in handling this situation months ago."

The Speed of Time

It's amazing how much can happen in so little time. The largest thing that has happened was meeting my mom's new boyfriend. It's an interesting conundrum. How do you treat a man like that. There isn't any good reason to hate him. He hasn't done anything wrong. But, isn't a little bit of a betrayal to my father to accept this man? Under other circumstances, I might actually enjoy this man, but I can't get over the guilt I'd feel if I start liking this guy. I would never be rude or mean. I was raised better than that, and my personality doesn't allow me to be mean to anyone. I guess it's just one of those things I'll have to figure out in my own time. God and I will have some good chats in the near future to figure it out. There is a lot of things God and I need to figure out, but faith is what it's all about. Maybe when I learn to be totally God dependent, then I can start living my life to the fullest. Something has always seemed to be missing. I've found temporary fixes for that hole, but none have patched it permanently. Just another one of my short-comings. So many to work on.

Recent Revelations

I've always had a tendency to publish my life to those I know. I've learned to use open communication as my way of coping with the issues that present themselves in my life. But I've realized recently that my ways are flawed. Expressing my concerns about friends, family, career...mostly life in general to others around me does little to correct the shortcomings I've noticed about the world. Plus, it can appear that all I do is complain. Building lasting relationships is difficult when all I do is express how much the world has let me down.

This should come as no real surprise for me though. God said the world is only a temporary place for us. It is not meant to be perfect or even comfortable. People consistently strive for happiness and joy when God promised us, as Christians, that life would be filled with pain. God's will doesn't always consist of peaceful fields filled with fragrant flowers. God wants us to grow in him, and growth is always synonymous with pain (ever heard of growing pains...not the show with Kirk Cameron playing Mike Seaver). God doesn't expect us to understand it, enjoy it, or even be content with it. All he wants is for us to consistently strive to be closer to him through faith. Jesus himself struggled with this topic. Just before being arrested, Jesus spent the night praying harder than any man probably ever has. He begged and pleaded with his father for another way. He didn't want to endure the physical, mental, and spiritual suffering and pain that was about to come. His body was torn by whips, pierced by spears, thorns and nails, and bruised by the constant beatings he had to endure. His emotions were leveled by the rejection of his own people who screamed "crucify him, crucify him." His spirit tested by the sin of every person to ever live. Jesus didn't enjoy any of this, and he wasn't content with what was happening. However, he kept his faith in his father and finished what he was sent here to do. He saved us and gave us the only way to a better world. He calls us to follow in his footsteps. All it takes is faith.

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)