I'm an Infant

I feel like I’ve failed as a man. Before now that is. I had a revelation this past weekend that I’m hoping will change my life forever. So many people theorize about what a man is/should be, and I think I finally found the answer I’ve been looking for. It came out to sound very simple to me, but it’s definitely not going to be easy to do. I’ve always had two sides. On one side (the side most people see), I’m caring, loving, and an all-around great guy. I’ll do anything for a friend and love on anyone who needs it. But, the other side of me was getting increasingly jealous and controlling of those I loved most. Having not found that one person to spend my life with made me bitter and very suspicious of anyone special who came into my life. I wanted to keep a tight reign on them because I was always afraid of loosing them. My controlling nature would come out of a loving heart and make it appear to be one of disgust, jealousy, and anger. For those who know me, this is not who I am at all. I hated this part of myself. I hated it so much I would sacrifice my relationships as soon as I felt it coming up because I knew it would just end them with heartache and suffering despite my true desire of having a loving relationship. I can't believe I’ve missed this for so many years now.


Realizing this is not the solution though. Learning the destination isn’t even the first step in a journey. I have a lot of work ahead of me in my quest to become the man God has intended for me to be. I truly feel like this is the main area he has wanted me to work on and figure out. A man has to know how to be strong without being controlling. A man has to know how to be loving and fierce at the same time. A man has to know how to set boundaries without limiting those he loves. Being a man is all about walking a very fine line that cannot be seen by human eyes. This line can only been seen by God and he is standing at the end of it gesturing to me like a father to his infant son saying “c’mon, you can do it, just walk to me.”