The biggest issue for me has always been the drive and determination to do what needs to be done. I have a lot of steps laid out for me to follow over the next...uh, lifetime...but I'm three days into it and I can already feel my resolve weakening. I've been lazy today. I haven't read anything and my mind has mostly been a big blob instead of being constantly focused. I know I can't expect to jump into this and be perfect right away. Discipline takes time to build. It's hard. It's grueling. I'm sure the fact that it's bothering me that I haven't done all I feel I should today is a good thing, but it doesn't comfort much.

God has done some amazing things though. I can't think of a time where I've been so joyful in the face of such sorrow before. I've never been one to hold in feelings, but I've been able to funnel those into my dealings with God instead of venting them to anyone and everyone who will listen. Yes, I do find myself weak at times and I'll start talking to whoever is around, but I don't fall apart like I used to in the same type of situation anymore. God is truly growing me, and I pray he will continue. It won't be easy, but it is necessary and glorious.

It's only been slightly over 24 hours since I found the bottom. I must have studied for 5 hours yesterday, and I've been studying for an hour or so today. The wealth of comfort that comes from reading the word is like none other. Feeding the flame that I long to keep burning forever. Still, the fear of it being quenched still lures in the recesses of my mind. Why is it that our minds tend to think over the many possible negative outcomes? Why can't we just keep our eyes focused on God and let him control the outcome of our steps as we journey closer to him?

Learning at all the ways God has intended love to be has been an amazing experience. I've always known God wanted love to be expressed in so many different ways, but I'd never looked at all of them in such a short time. Friendly love, family love, romantic love, sexual love...so many different facets to the glories of God in our lives. Love is something we covet and long for so much that we forget the way it was intended. We long for this highs and euphoria of love and we search it out through any means we can get it and most of them are artificial means. We get fearful when we don't know when our next "fix" will be coming, we get controlling when we think it might be the last time we feel the warmth of love's embrace, and we get psychotic on the artificial love-drugs we create for ourselves through un-Godly relationships, window panes of affection, and over-analyzing situations.

We can search our entire lives for the real love God has intended, but we will never find that satisfying cup until we learn to look to the one who put the craving in us to begin with. Only God holds satisfaction because only he knows what satisfies those that were created in his image. We all yearn for it, most of us know of it, but few of us take the steps to receive it.