Duck on Water

The Insecurity of Me

2011-07-06T14:44:00.003-05:00

I've never really classified myself as someone who is insecure. I'm usually pretty sure of what I like, want, and need. However, the one area of my life that I struggle with this is in relationships. Probably one of the most complex pieces of being human is relationships and it is the the one thing I struggle with giving to God.

God pleads with us to give everything to him and to just be content in having him be your everything. He promises love, understanding, comfort, joy, and guidance in your life if you will just submit to him. However, I've gone in and out of loosing control by taking control over the past few months. Why is this so hard for me? Is it just because I want it so bad that I can't fathom just letting it go? I cannot think of a single relationship that I haven't ruined due to this issue in my life, and I'm horribly close to ruining another one. My struggle with God over control of my relationships presents itself as insecurity and that is something no woman wants to marry. An insecure man is not what I am. Tears are welling up as I admit to myself that, in actuallity, I may just be that despite me not believing it. The absolutely amazing thing is, right now, this wonderful woman is understanding that this is what I'm working on and is forgiving me when I fail. I know though, that this forgiveness will not last forever. There is no way I can expect to make it in a marriage if I cannot trust my relationship to God.

The frustrating thing is I just do not know how to trust him with it. It's not as easy as handing him my phone and saying "ok, you're in control." I'm scared that this is something I'll never figure out and thus will be destined to be forever single and continuing to get into relationships thinking I've got it down, but finding out that I don't once the relationship has reached a level of committment that causes much pain and suffering when it fails.

God, I need you now to help save me. I know hoarding control of my relationship will make it surely end in failure, and I completely fear the relationship failing so I'm scared to let it go. It doesn't make sense. This fear is Satan making me fear the joy and comfort I know I can find in your arms. Although I know this, I still cannot figure out how to just give you control of the relationship I've been building. Without giving it up though, it will fail. (I know I'm rambling, but it shows the struggle I'm in) Keeping control will cause it to fail, that's the bottom line. I need to figure this out or my fear will come true. Lord save me from my fear. I need you more than ever.

Wings of Burden, Flight of Love

2011-05-31T16:31:00.002-05:00

"You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering,that's the sad truth.
Maybe they'll break your heart, maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way.
Those are the risks. That's the burden.

Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly..."

-Dr. Temperance Brenan on Bones

I was watching an episode of Bones today and the above statement was made in a monologue. It was so profound and meaningful to me that I actually had to come and write about it. Love is a burden. I'm sure there are people who would disagree with me, but most of them have probably never been in love. All relationships take work and have turmoil, but those that involve true love are destined to have a few curve balls thrown at them.

I can't imagine anything more exhilarating that being able to fly. Gliding easily through the air and seeing the beautiful land God has created me. Unhindered by traffic, roads, speed limits, and fuel, flight would allow a truly free feeling that would never be able to be topped. The above quote likens love to wings. I would never trade my wings just so I could feel lighter and move around on the ground easier. The benefit of having them would far outweigh any hardship they might lay on me. They are priceless.

Love, to me, is also priceless. No matter the struggle, the hardship, the difficulty it may one day present, there is no way this man would trade love for a lighter load. For although the load may be lighter, the greatest earthly joy will have been lost.

Never loose your joy for a lighter load.

God vs. Friends

2010-04-05T13:44:00.000-05:00

I have a tendency to talk to most/all of my friends about anything serious going on in my life. However, I’ve started to wonder if this is my way of taking control of whatever issue I’m struggling with. I thoroughly love the instruction to get advice from other Christians, but I think in doing this, I fail to return to the Father and ask his advice. I assume that all the advice I’ve gotten covers all the bases. There is no other input that could be conjugated into rational thinking. This thinking is probably what has made me falter on so many different occasions. For example, I’ve learned a lot about being a Godly man over the past few months. This study stemmed from a hardship, and I was determined to follow God’s path for it and not take control again. My life steadily improved. My faith was strong. My emotions under control. This was all going well until hints of the first test came along. I failed miserably. I immediately started thinking of what I need to do next. I sought counsel from those I trusted and those familiar with the situation. I formulated next-steps. I did everything but stop and pray. Even in just the few hours interim where I failed to ask for God’s help, things started to unravel. Maybe, if I’d have dropped to my knees first and not tried to take hold of the situation, I could have made a better last impression. I could have saved myself 24 hours of worry and scheming. Learning to give issues to him first is going to be more of a challenge than I thought. It will require a shift in my methods, attitude, and personality. A complete life-shift is necessary.

All that being said, does that mean that I failed the test? Will the event I saw on the horizon yesterday be lost due to my immediate retrograde back into my old ways? I sure hope not. I’ve only prayed now. All that I worried about I’ve asked God to handle, and short of this blog, I’ve tried hard to quit even thinking about it. I want his will and not mine. I want his guidance and not that of other’s. I want his comfort and not that of my friends. I want Christ’s love and not the love of another.

2009-12-17T22:54:00.002-06:00

The biggest issue for me has always been the drive and determination to do what needs to be done. I have a lot of steps laid out for me to follow over the next...uh, lifetime...but I'm three days into it and I can already feel my resolve weakening. I've been lazy today. I haven't read anything and my mind has mostly been a big blob instead of being constantly focused. I know I can't expect to jump into this and be perfect right away. Discipline takes time to build. It's hard. It's grueling. I'm sure the fact that it's bothering me that I haven't done all I feel I should today is a good thing, but it doesn't comfort much.

God has done some amazing things though. I can't think of a time where I've been so joyful in the face of such sorrow before. I've never been one to hold in feelings, but I've been able to funnel those into my dealings with God instead of venting them to anyone and everyone who will listen. Yes, I do find myself weak at times and I'll start talking to whoever is around, but I don't fall apart like I used to in the same type of situation anymore. God is truly growing me, and I pray he will continue. It won't be easy, but it is necessary and glorious.

2009-12-16T22:43:00.003-06:00

It's only been slightly over 24 hours since I found the bottom. I must have studied for 5 hours yesterday, and I've been studying for an hour or so today. The wealth of comfort that comes from reading the word is like none other. Feeding the flame that I long to keep burning forever. Still, the fear of it being quenched still lures in the recesses of my mind. Why is it that our minds tend to think over the many possible negative outcomes? Why can't we just keep our eyes focused on God and let him control the outcome of our steps as we journey closer to him?

Learning at all the ways God has intended love to be has been an amazing experience. I've always known God wanted love to be expressed in so many different ways, but I'd never looked at all of them in such a short time. Friendly love, family love, romantic love, sexual love...so many different facets to the glories of God in our lives. Love is something we covet and long for so much that we forget the way it was intended. We long for this highs and euphoria of love and we search it out through any means we can get it and most of them are artificial means. We get fearful when we don't know when our next "fix" will be coming, we get controlling when we think it might be the last time we feel the warmth of love's embrace, and we get psychotic on the artificial love-drugs we create for ourselves through un-Godly relationships, window panes of affection, and over-analyzing situations.

We can search our entire lives for the real love God has intended, but we will never find that satisfying cup until we learn to look to the one who put the craving in us to begin with. Only God holds satisfaction because only he knows what satisfies those that were created in his image. We all yearn for it, most of us know of it, but few of us take the steps to receive it.

I'm an Infant

2009-10-29T11:00:00.001-05:00

I feel like I’ve failed as a man. Before now that is. I had a revelation this past weekend that I’m hoping will change my life forever. So many people theorize about what a man is/should be, and I think I finally found the answer I’ve been looking for. It came out to sound very simple to me, but it’s definitely not going to be easy to do. I’ve always had two sides. On one side (the side most people see), I’m caring, loving, and an all-around great guy. I’ll do anything for a friend and love on anyone who needs it. But, the other side of me was getting increasingly jealous and controlling of those I loved most. Having not found that one person to spend my life with made me bitter and very suspicious of anyone special who came into my life. I wanted to keep a tight reign on them because I was always afraid of loosing them. My controlling nature would come out of a loving heart and make it appear to be one of disgust, jealousy, and anger. For those who know me, this is not who I am at all. I hated this part of myself. I hated it so much I would sacrifice my relationships as soon as I felt it coming up because I knew it would just end them with heartache and suffering despite my true desire of having a loving relationship. I can't believe I’ve missed this for so many years now.

Realizing this is not the solution though. Learning the destination isn’t even the first step in a journey. I have a lot of work ahead of me in my quest to become the man God has intended for me to be. I truly feel like this is the main area he has wanted me to work on and figure out. A man has to know how to be strong without being controlling. A man has to know how to be loving and fierce at the same time. A man has to know how to set boundaries without limiting those he loves. Being a man is all about walking a very fine line that cannot be seen by human eyes. This line can only been seen by God and he is standing at the end of it gesturing to me like a father to his infant son saying “c’mon, you can do it, just walk to me.”

Just an Update

2009-03-16T14:21:00.002-05:00

So, I haven't been on here in forever. I guess because there hasn't been much going on. I'm constantly working, going to church, or just sitting at home. That's pretty much all I do. I have the occasional event with friends, but nothing too exciting that I can remember off hand.

I've been thinking about buying a house recently. With the market down and a secure job, it is very tempting to jump on one of the many great deals out there. It'd be taking on a lot of responsibility though. I think I'd enjoy most of it (it being MY house after all), but if I'm going to start school again in the fall, continue working towards my DB2 certification, continue doing all I do at church, and have free time...I might not be ready for something like that (a dog would be really nice too). I'll just have to keep saving and watch the market to see what shows up. I'm scared to over-extend myself (I have a tendency to want the nice things NOW), and I am nervous about the economy...but I do feel secure in my job, so.........oh, IDK. I guess I'm doomed to go back and forth on it. Typically when I'm doing that, I just don't do anything. Any advice would be nice. My lease is up in August, so I have until then to make my decision on whether to just stay at my apartment.

Fearful

2008-11-03T23:14:00.005-06:00

People don't normally admit fear. Admitting fear is exposing ourselves to fear. However, I have never considered myself to be completely normal. Most of the evening, I have been nearly consumed by fear. When my mind is left to wander where it wants, it has a tendency to engulf itself in that which I fear. I fear change, I fear rejection, I fear feeling alone, and I fear the wrath of God.

Change is a concept people either embrace or resist. There aren't many people who have a middle ground on this topic. Typically, those who embrace it are the very people who have had to endure it the most. They've had to suffer through the hardship and trials that come with the inconsistency of a consistently changing life. I am not one of those people. I grew up with very little change, and my security is founded in consistency. However, change has begun to come more frequently for me. I'm still adapting to the process, but I do not think I will ever truly enjoy it. Hopefully, I will one day have the faith in God I need to embrace change. To see change not as an immovable obstacle, but as a challenge begging to be conquered.

Rejection is most commonly known as a refusal to accept. Acceptance is sought after by everyone, whether they admit it or not. There is one person on this earth that I can honestly say doesn't need acceptance. She fights the worldly norms and has been blazing her own path through life with little remorse for as long as I've known her. I love this girl as much as anyone else on this earth for this and many other reasons. She shows me that maturity has nothing to do with age (since she is years younger that me). I know she doesn't like rejection, but she has learned to place her hope away from the acceptance of man and focus solely on God for all her strength. I hope, that I can achieve the state of mind that she portrays as a natural thing. I do worse with rejection than I do with change. Rejection has the ability to consume me. Even the perception of rejection can alter my mood drastically.

Feeling alone comes as a result of both true rejection, and perceived rejection. Growing up in West Texas, it was easy to tell whether you were accepted or rejected by people. There was a great emphasis on learning about each person as an individual, and connecting with them on a personal level. I've began to think the majority of people here in San Antonio do not spend the time to connect with others in the same way I'm used to. The majority of people reading this might be surprised and even offended by that statement. I do not mean it as an insult, and I apologize for anyone who took offense, but as I've stated, rejection and solitude are fears of mine and fear drives people to do and believe strange things unless heavily reassured in a way that is contrary to their fear. I have experienced acceptance and connected with a few people here, but I still feel a small part is missing. To my friends here in San Antonio, hear me when I say I'm not blaming anyone, but rather continually searching for that reassurance. Bear with me.

Finally, fearing God is a little bit of a disconnect from the other fears I've stated above. Fear of God can be 2 fold. Fearing God's wrath is the fright that comes with knowing I'm in sin. The only word I can think of to describe it is shame. I've grown up around Christian ideals, and I know God doesn't expect us to be perfect. But, I feel shameful that I still struggle with worldly fears, and as a result, fear taking them to God. A comparable worldly fear is one I've been needlessly struggling with for the past few hours. I know the time is coming when I must face a person I feel I've hurt, and the resulting shame has made me fearful of seeing this person. So fearful that I see myself refusing the invitation should it be extended anytime soon. It might be wrong to try to simplify God to my worldly comparison, but I see the two situations as being nearly identical. Their resulting impacts are drastically different (one eternal, one temporary), but the fear itself is the same.

I don't know where I intended this to go. I guess, like so many of my other blogs, I used this medium to organize and express my thoughts. If you have made it to this portion of this post, I thank you for continuing to indulge me.

Broken

2008-10-11T23:36:00.003-05:00

I try really hard to make my writing interesting and informative, but I don't think I can do that this time. I've recently found out that my actions and attitude over the past year have so seriously strained one of my friendships, that we can't even talk to each other anymore. There is no greater hurt than knowing that I nearly ruined the most valuable thing in my life...a friendship. My friends mean the most to me, and this particular one was the best and deepest friendship I'd ever had. Love and trust was built in record time. Even dependence became part of this friendship making it unlike any I'd ever had. It touched a place in my heart none ever had before. Luckily, it's not completely ruined. But, a wound like this will take a long time to heal. I have to live in the unknown for a significant amount of time and that scares me. The only thing I can do is give it to God and hope that time and faith can heal a wound this serious. I can't adequately express the remorse I have for what I've put this person through, and I can only hope and beg that I'll be forgiven.

"God, give me the strength to wait on your will in this matter and please help those involved to forgive me for what I put them through. Help me to learn from this to prevent these circumstances from ever repeating. I want my life to be continuously in your will and guidance. Lord forgive me for not trusting you in handling this situation months ago."

The Speed of Time

2008-09-14T23:53:00.002-05:00

It's amazing how much can happen in so little time. The largest thing that has happened was meeting my mom's new boyfriend. It's an interesting conundrum. How do you treat a man like that. There isn't any good reason to hate him. He hasn't done anything wrong. But, isn't a little bit of a betrayal to my father to accept this man? Under other circumstances, I might actually enjoy this man, but I can't get over the guilt I'd feel if I start liking this guy. I would never be rude or mean. I was raised better than that, and my personality doesn't allow me to be mean to anyone. I guess it's just one of those things I'll have to figure out in my own time. God and I will have some good chats in the near future to figure it out. There is a lot of things God and I need to figure out, but faith is what it's all about. Maybe when I learn to be totally God dependent, then I can start living my life to the fullest. Something has always seemed to be missing. I've found temporary fixes for that hole, but none have patched it permanently. Just another one of my short-comings. So many to work on.

Recent Revelations

2008-09-11T19:15:00.000-05:00

I've always had a tendency to publish my life to those I know. I've learned to use open communication as my way of coping with the issues that present themselves in my life. But I've realized recently that my ways are flawed. Expressing my concerns about friends, family, career...mostly life in general to others around me does little to correct the shortcomings I've noticed about the world. Plus, it can appear that all I do is complain. Building lasting relationships is difficult when all I do is express how much the world has let me down.

This should come as no real surprise for me though. God said the world is only a temporary place for us. It is not meant to be perfect or even comfortable. People consistently strive for happiness and joy when God promised us, as Christians, that life would be filled with pain. God's will doesn't always consist of peaceful fields filled with fragrant flowers. God wants us to grow in him, and growth is always synonymous with pain (ever heard of growing pains...not the show with Kirk Cameron playing Mike Seaver). God doesn't expect us to understand it, enjoy it, or even be content with it. All he wants is for us to consistently strive to be closer to him through faith. Jesus himself struggled with this topic. Just before being arrested, Jesus spent the night praying harder than any man probably ever has. He begged and pleaded with his father for another way. He didn't want to endure the physical, mental, and spiritual suffering and pain that was about to come. His body was torn by whips, pierced by spears, thorns and nails, and bruised by the constant beatings he had to endure. His emotions were leveled by the rejection of his own people who screamed "crucify him, crucify him." His spirit tested by the sin of every person to ever live. Jesus didn't enjoy any of this, and he wasn't content with what was happening. However, he kept his faith in his father and finished what he was sent here to do. He saved us and gave us the only way to a better world. He calls us to follow in his footsteps. All it takes is faith.

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)